Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis — 130 of 235

Chapter Two - "Mr. Eugenides"

Eugenides is a man in the Top of the Pharos. "A portly, slightly sweaty merchant stands here admiring the view. His hand constantly dips into his pocket, emerging full of succulent currants, which he continually crams into his full-lipped and slightly cruel mouth." The printed name of Eugenides is "portly merchant". The description of Eugenides is "[if Eugenides is handled]Mr. Eugenides[otherwise]The portly merchant[end if] wears a slightly-ill-fitting, though clearly expensive, crimson tunic. He evidently has a bag of currants in his pocket, which he constantly pilfers." The default reply of Eugenides is "The merchant looks pensive, but says nothing." The conversation of Eugenides is the Table of Eugenides's Chatter. Eugenides is not proper-named. Understand "Smyrna", "Mister", "Mr", "merchant", "greasy", "man", "fat", "portly", "chubby", "sweaty", "slightly", "hand", and "bald" as Eugenides. Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of Eugenides: no. Eugenides has a horniness. Eugenides is unaroused.

The Eugenidean lips are part of Eugenides. They are ambiguously plural. The description is "The man's lips are full and slightly cruel." Understand "full", "cruel", "smile", "mouth", "red", and "lip" as the Eugenidean lips. Instead of sucking, fucking, touching, rubbing, kissing, or eating the Eugenidean lips, consider the flirting-with-Eugenides rule.

The Eugenidean tunic is worn by Eugenides. The description is "The tunic is crimson and clearly of expensive manufacture, but it does not fit him well." Understand "crimson", "red", "expensive", and "ill-fitting" as the Eugenidean tunic.

The Eugenidean cock is a penis. The description is "You've seen bigger, and you've seen smaller. It stands proudly erect." Instead of fucking, sucking, blowing, wanking off, touching, rubbing, kissing, or eating the Eugenidean cock, consider the flirting-with-Eugenides rule.

The bag of currants is held by Eugenides. It is ambiguously plural. Understand "succulent", "inexhaustible", "nearly", "nearly-inexhaustible", "currant", "paper", and "pocket" as the bag of currants. The description is "You can't see the bag, but obviously he has a nearly-inexhaustible supply of currants." It is edible.

Instead of earning the bag of currants:

if Eugenides is not in the location, instead say "You're pretty sure you already did.";

consider the flirting-with-Eugenides rule.

Instead of eating the bag of currants:

say "Meh. You've never actually liked currants all that much."

Before taking the bag of currants:

if the bag of currants is held by Eugenides, instead say "Your hand is slapped, surprisingly hard. 'You're going to have to earn those currants,' simpers the merchant."

Before examining Eugenides for the first time:

if Eugenides is not handled

begin;

now Eugenides is handled;

now Eugenides is proper-named;

now the printed name of Eugenides is "Mr. Eugenides";

say "The merchant smiles back at you and extends an unctuous hand. 'I am,' he smirks, 'Mister Eugenides, from Smyrna. I am very, very pleased to make your acquaintance.'";

end if.

This is the flirting-with-Eugenides rule:

if Eugenides is not horny

begin;

now Eugenides is horny;

say "As you approach, [if Eugenides is handled]Mr. Eugenides[otherwise]the sweaty merchant[end if] leans in close to you, kisses you firmly on the lips (his breath smelling of currants), pinches your right buttock, and murmurs, 'Meet me at the Hotel Metropole[if Eugenides is not handled]. Ask for Eugenides[end if],' into your right ear. He winks at you and flutters down the stairs in a flurry of crimson cloth.";

now Eugenides is handled;

now Eugenides is proper-named;

now the printed name of Eugenides is "Mr. Eugenides";

now the description of Eugenides is "Mr. Eugenides lounges here on the bed, wearing nothing but a greasy smile.";

remove the Eugenidean tunic from play;

now the Eugenidean cock is a part of Eugenides;

move Eugenides to the Eugenidean Boudoir;

otherwise;

say "Eugenides embraces you, and then rolls over on you, nearly smothering you. He giggles as he fondles your cock, and kisses you with a wet and currant-tasting mouth. He's actually surprisingly talented, and you have a very good time. It is with a bit of regret that you find yourself standing in the hotel lobby a while later, clutching a bag of currants.";

record "Mr. Eugenides" as achieved;

move the bag of currants to the player;

now the description of the bag of currants is "It's a paper bag full of currants.";

now Eugenides is boinked;

if the toga is held or the toga is in the location

begin;

now the toga is worn by the player;

remove the stiffycock from play;

end if;

really have the parser notice the bag of currants;

move the player to the Hotel Metropole;

end if.

Instead of sucking, blowing, fucking, touching, rubbing, kissing, buggering, eating, or wanking off Eugenides, consider the flirting-with-Eugenides rule.

Before asking Eugenides about something:

if the topic understood matches "hotel metropole", replace the topic understood with "date";

if the topic understood matches "hotel/dinner/metropole", replace the topic understood with "date";

if the topic understood matches "fat merchant", replace the topic understood with "himself";

if the topic understood matches "sweaty merchant", replace the topic understood with "himself";

if the topic understood matches "portly merchant", replace the topic understood with "himself";

if the topic understood matches "mr eugenides", replace the topic understood with "himself";

if the topic understood matches "mister eugenides", replace the topic understood with "himself";

if the topic understood matches "mr/mister/eugenides/merchant/sex", replace the topic understood with "himself";

if the topic understood matches "himself"

begin;

now Eugenides is handled;

now Eugenides is proper-named;

now the printed name of Eugenides is "Mr. Eugenides";

end if.

Table of Eugenides's Chatter